Selected students' guide:

Academic success

Don't worry so much. The most common mark is between 50 and 65 percent. Nobody gets As except weird brainiacs or scholars. This looks great on graduation day but understand that they have endured years of overbearing parents, endless maths tests and "educational toys" for Christmas presents.

Gays

University is where a large majority of people experience their first dabblings in the exciting world of homosexuality. The best thing to do is to experiment as freely as possible, but be careful—don't bow to peer pressure. The Gay and Lesbian Societies are huge in all the universities but that doesn't mean they're not annoying self-satisfied pricks who have swallowed so much mid-90s liberal dogma that having a conversation with them is like talking to an insane 90-year-old woman. It's barely-remembered catch phrases and blank expressions the whole time. They're the ones self-righteously handing out sexual advice leaflets and free condoms while you're waiting to get your lunch. Like anybody who's old enough to go to university doesn't know how to avoid sexual diseases and buy their own condoms anyway. And sorry, men who like dressing up in women’s clothes do not qualify as a social group. It's a sexual foible. Should we have support groups, pamphlets and long public meetings about empowering people who buy underwear three sizes too small or people who like fat hairy Greek taxi drivers who dollop ladels of yoghurt on their gigantic hairy balls while they're waiting to pick up a fare?

Insanity

Year two affects some people like a mini mid-life crisis. There's the realisation that you've pissed away your first year and that now, all of a sudden, you've got to start getting yourself together or the whole thing will be a gigantic waste. This is where the weak-minded and the druggies start to wobble and develop signs of madness—like not coming out of their rooms for days, cutting themselves, crying out of context etc. These people need your help. Talk to them honestly about how much they're fucking themselves up and if, after six months, they show no signs of responding, then force them to quit university, rethink everything and go back to real life. Unless they're setting fire to your house or killing animals, DO NOT take them near any on-campus psychiatric units. If you get detained, you are fucked forever. Remember Angelina Jolie in Girl Interrupted? The reality is a million times worse. You'll be plunged into a twilight world of really strong sedatives, cigarette-smoke-filled dayrooms, constant yelling, farting, puking, crying and people who are thirty years older than you waking you up in the middle of the night crying and asking to borrow your clothes. Flirting with heroin and burglary is less risky than flirting with the mental health system. You have no fucking idea.

Jobs

Unless you're a leech with rich misguided parents, you have to get a job at uni. It keeps you in touch with the real world outside of student life and gives you a sense of perspective in between the all-night wine drinking and three hour lectures about social media trend predicting. FACT: If you have a job, an internship or work experience while at university, the chances of you getting a job when you leave are quadrupled.

Knowledge

The pursuit of this is the main reason you're at university. Just a reminder. Like we said before, it's costing you at least $10,000.

Tattoos

Go nuts. Traditional is always best though. No Chinese tummy tattoos for girls. No logo of any band unless it’s Crass, Eyehategod, Black Flag, Misfits or Motorhead. Bands like that designed their logos so they’d look good as tattoos. No graffiti tattoos. No mystic symbols. A red devil on the arse of a drunken 35-year-old swinger mum of three is a million times better than getting an AK-47 on your leg because you’re trying to divert attention away from the fact that you’re the biggest fucking dweeb in the world.